it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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