Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
