the condom got lost in my hair
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
