if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
