you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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