i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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