Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
