Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
