Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
