And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
