I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
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