I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Still dying that you shit outside
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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