the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Floor bacon is actually really good
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I need water and some morals
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
