tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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