you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize