you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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