I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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