i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
