i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
