I think I won the penis lottery.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
