i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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