I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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