I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
