Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
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