Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I am available for nakedness
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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