I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She told me I should be a condom model.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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