The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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