Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
