My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
