OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
