sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
