Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
