I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
