I can tuck mytits in my pants
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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