the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
