I'm passing your future prison.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
