Don't make out with my wife yet
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
