It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
