Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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