I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
