Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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