True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize