Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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