that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
