I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
