good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
