Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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