I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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