Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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