I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
