This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
