I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You're breaking my sexual little heart
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
