I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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