Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
