Dual....:-)
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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