never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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