I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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