Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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