Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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