Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
