god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
