Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
